Not having a good night……

IMG_0469This is EXACTLY how I’m feeling tonight, I am imprisoned by this pain and this darkness, I can’t even get into my car by myself to run away. The whole ‘I need someone to help me with every bloody thing’ is getting me down – like there’s a mountain of rocks weighing down on me.

This hasn’t been an unusual day; just a normal, everyday, day. I’ve been to town with P, we’ve picked up the bridesmaids dresses from the seamstress, we went for lunch in our favourite place and we bought some nice food for tea in the supermarket. I even sat in my wheelchair on the front lawn to watch (or rather instruct) P do the borders and get rid of the weeds. So why do I feel so awful tonight? I couldn’t tell you, it just comes out of nowhere sometimes. The same old questions fly around in my head and just won’t go away.

How am I going to manage if something ever happens to P? Am I doing the right thing marrying this lovely man who dotes on me when all I can do for him is offer him a broken woman? If he goes away, how am I going to live – I can’t even put my own knickers on. Am I going to manage financially if and when he leaves? What use to my kids will I be when I’m older? I’m never going to be the granny I always thought I’d be. And so on and on and on……

All these things swimming around in my head then erupted silently when I couldn’t find a lid. It wasn’t on the middle shelf where it was supposed to be so I couldn’t get to it and (for probably the 90th time that day) I had to ask P for help.

I’m not one for screaming and shouting, shutting down is my forte so now I am sat alone on the sofa in the pitch black writing this. I feel the weight of it all just filling me up. Pushing me down. Heavy and flat.

I find writing cathartic, I never knew I could even do it before this happened to me but it helps. Getting it out there helps. Admitting I’m scared helps. Talking is too difficult today but I know it needs to be done. Why is saying “I need help” so hard?

I know I’ll be ok, this has happened before and no doubt it’ll happen again – I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll feel differently, that’s the way it goes with me. But there, I’ve said it out loud (well, on paper anyway so it still counts eh?) and I feel better, thanks for listening.